thoughts and questions in my head

As with Jen, this is my first posting on my first blog. Thanks to Troy for setting this up. I now feel very high tech being a part of the blogging world, (I know I'm only a few years behind, but I'll catch up).

I'm not sure where to start with all the thoughts in my head. As I was sharing them with Troy and Aaron last night, Troy said, "well, that sounds like your first blog." It may be a bit long and rambling, but here it goes.

They (the thoughts and questions) started with my job and have been emphasized with Rob's teaching. Realities of a hidden side of life I have been sheltered hit me in the face pretty fast. Drunks, the homeless, unmedicated psych patients, etc... and the constant unanswered questions....How to help? What is worth doing? Does helping one person matter? How can I make a difference unless I am helping thousands and thousands of people? Sometimes I feel like my work is my mission: being as nice to the mean drunk that tries to spit on me and bite me as I am the upstanding citizen, feeding a homeless man who came in with a bogus complaint simply to get out of the cold and to get some food. But, then I realize I am getting paid to do it. So, would I do it without a paycheck? I tell myself that answer is yes, but then why did I walk past the homeless man asking for some spare change on Saturday nights as I went into an expensive restaurant with my friends? He was all I could think about Sunday during the message. .....Lord, when did we see you hungry and not feed you?....(I know this wasn't the scripture passage, but I was tying it all together in my head, rich and poor, well off and the beggar, etc...

I also thought about all of the coats in our closets and was trying to justify why we need almost everyone of them. I look at the compassion child on our fridge that we sponsor and I'm so thankful she is getting clothes and food and medicine that she needs, but how many more could we help?

I had a conversation last week with my mom about my "wayward" brother. He was a foster child we had growing up and then adopted him when he was about our girls' age. Through things he could and could not control he has had a very difficult life. He is currently the best and most stable he has been in probably 10 years. He's just one of those people that no matter how many times he hits rock bottom, you want to bail him out one more time. He is currently living with his fiance, their new baby and her two girls. He is also paying child support to 2 other children he has and after that is deducted from his check, he brings home somewhere between $75-$100 per week. So, he went to my parents several weeks ago and asked if there was anything he could do around the house for them because he needed $58 or the electric would be shut off. Even though she works, when the factories slow down for the winter, there isn't much they can do about it. My heart weeps for them and I just want to get them out of their situation and make their life easier. My mom said she strongly encouraged them to find a good church so they can make good friends. In my mind I was thinking, "that's not the right answer, most churches of today don't want anything to do with people like him and his family and they will just think he is trying to get some money or something and he will be more hurt and confused and disillusioned." I don't know why I am rambling on about this except I need to know for myself, what is the answer, how do I help, where do the abundance of blessings in my life fit into all of this?

It has been so long since I have sat in a church that quenches my soul, that I sit in church on Sunday mornings and suck it all up like a dry sponge and it is never enough. I'm never saturated. At the end I think, "no, no, no, don't stop, I'm still dry. Keep going, feed me more, I can't wait another week for another drink." The advantage of numbly participating in a church that is hollow, is that you don't have to feel. The smile is in place, the answer is always "I'm great and how are you doing?" Feeling makes me frustrated, confused, eager, scared, stand-offish, excited and at a loss for what to do. If I can't help the masses, how can I make a difference?

So, that's it. I don' have anything to say to end this beautifully and poeticly, just thankful I get to be a part of this house church and look forward to meeting again. Blessings to you all.